Insights
by Halo Shield
Summary: A collection of fanfics I've felt inspired to write about Evangelion that contain my opinions about various characters, major and minor. Record One: Ibuki Maya and her lonely thoughts


You glance back at me and smile, and I feel warm inside and wonder if there's anything behind that smile.  Then you turn away and it's back to work, work, work, and I remember that all you were saying with the smile was, "Good job, Maya."  No matter how much I want that to change, it's not going to happen, so I should just forget about it.  But, knowing that, why does it still hurt?  Why is there this ache somewhere between my tummy and my heart?  Why do I hang on every word and every smile?

People think I'm just a technician, just a grunt in the war to crunch an endless supply of numbers.  People think I'm all about my job.  But I'm a person, too.  I have ears, I have eyes.  I know where you spend your nights, _senpai_, and it worries me, because I know  how much you don't want to be your mother… and I know she spent her nights the same way you do.  I know how Hyuga-kun would willingly lay down his life for Katsuragi-san if she asked him to.  I know how Aoba-kun feels about me, even though he's torn between me and his music.  And I know he doesn't say anything to me for some of the same reasons I don't say anything to you.  

Yes, I'm a person, and I notice things.  But I care, too.  I care about Katsuragi-san and her bitter time with Ryoji-san, her struggle with what happened to her during the Second Impact.  I've seen the medical reports.  I've seen the scar myself, although I don't think she knows I saw it.  I care about Katsuragi-san.  I care about Hyuga-kun's unrequited love of her, too.  I care about Aoba-kun's feelings for me.  I care about Asuka-chan and her horrible past.  I care about Ikari-kun and his war with the commander and his search for happiness.  I care about poor Suzahara-kun, may he rest in peace.  And I care about you, _senpai_.  

I wonder, sometimes, if people know how I feel, or if they even care.  It's selfish, but I wonder.  You probably know, _senpai_, but if you do, I almost wish you didn't.  Because if you know how I feel about you, you don't seem to care.  That, or you care more about your work, your goals.  Well, I'm trying hard to be okay with that.  If that's what makes you happy, _senpai_, then that's what's important.  And I'll always be there to help.  If the Magi need a tune-up, you can count on me.  If you need to do an analysis of children's synch-rates, I'll be there.  If you need coffee after a late night, I'll bring it down for you, black, with as much sugar as you'd like.  If work is what makes you happy, then I'll always be there to help, every day, even though I wonder if you're running away from your feelings.  I wonder, sometimes, after you walk in the door with eyes that are red-rimmed from crying, if Project Eva really makes you happy.  

And it's times like that I ache to tell you that you don't need to run and hide.  I want to tell you that it's safe to face your problems, because I'll help you.  Because I meant it when I said I'd always be there.  If you need help proving to the world you're not your mother, I can stand as witness.  If you need help atoning for some crime, then I'll pay the penance with you.  There's nothing you've done that I couldn't accept, in the end.  You don't need to run from your troubles.  You can face them.  With me.

But I never say a thing.  When you walk in the door, your eyes still wet, and smile your smile at me, I never speak up.  Not because I can't find the words.  The words have always been there, and I know them almost by heart.  It's because I can't bear the thought that I'd turn into something else you'd end up running from.  I don't want to complicate your life any farther.  But I'm here, _senpai_.  If you ever need someone to talk to over a mug of coffee, I'll listen.  If you're tired of crying alone, I can give you a shoulder to cry on.  And, if you want, I'll be here if you want to spend a night on the town.  If you're willing, I'll be here to spend a day at the beach with you.  I'll be here to take a trip with you to the hot springs.  I'll be here to laugh with you about the time Katsuragi-san and Ryoji-san were trapped in that elevator during the power outage.  And, if you wanted to spend a night talking with me over a bottle of wine, I'm here.  But if you don't want to, _senpai_, I'll not say a word.  I'll live my life, and help you with your work, and have fun with my friends and with Hyuga-kun and Aoba-kun, while I still can.  And at night, _senpai_, I'll think of you.  


End file.
